so i guess i'll start with my low, which has been plaguing me for the past 17 years, but i've learned to live with it as it doesn't seem like anyone can really get to the bottom of it, but that is another post. seriously. my head aches constantly. some days are worse than others, but there is always a dull ache in my head, and some days the dull ache escalates to an icepick in the eye, and those are the days when it becomes a little harder to ignore. like today. it's one of those days, but i really don't have time to give in and rest. it's sort of like an annoying friend. he just hangs around, trying to get noticed. or somedays he's just so annoying, that he just has to be acknowledged. and some days, he's just standing there, screaming at the top of his lungs. i wish this friend would move away.
and this is the other low, which actually is a high, but i'll explain as i'm still trying to work it out for myself.
yesterday was ash wednesday. all day long i was hearing the holy spirit tell me that my prideful self was really standing in the way of Him being closer to me. over and over, i was faced with that awful beast, pride. jealousy. a stubborn unwillingness to bend and submit.
it made my heart hurt. why, oh, why do i still struggle so much with how i get in the way of what He is trying to accomplish? and why do i still yearn for affirmation from others to make me feel like i am worthy? why do i bristle at being left out, not being asked, or being overlooked? why do i not celebrate others giftedness while wondering why aren't my gifts recognized? why oh, WHY am i so needy?? and why, oh WHY is He just not enough for my wounded heart??
only the cross can break the curse of my pride.
only the cross can break the curse of my sin.
i am in need of the grace and mercy of the cross.
and the ashes on my forehead are the sign that i am in the sin business with everyone else.
create in me, o Lord, a steadfast heart.
yes, Lord. get my heart in order.
so in the spirit of Lent, the idea of giving something up and putting something on. what do i cherish? replace this with the things of God.
change my heart.
renew my mind.
dead to sin.
alive to Christ.
this is the mark. dead to sin. alive in CHRIST.
i will be justified.
by grace alone…
by faith alone…
in Christ alone.
there are ashes on my forehead.
there is hope in my heart.
thank you Jesus for your grace and mercy.