treading carefully

i don't get back to the motherland very often.
it's 650 ish miles away, and it's not easy to get back.
i'm the youngest of four kids.
my oldest brother is almost 18 years older than me, and we never lived under the same roof.
my sister is 9 years older, and was my second mom when i was tiny, as my mom was laid up after several back surgeries. she and my dad tag-teamed… and since i can't picture my dad doing anything infant related, i can imagine the lion's share of that responsibility fell on her shoulders. we've always been super close.
my other brother is four years older, and even though we grew up more together, it seemed like he and my sister were always tight… i was always the baby sister. most of the time, he just ignored me… or tortured me. heck, isn't that what having an older brother is supposed to be like?
family dynamics have always been interesting.
i've always been close to my sister… even though nine years separates us, she's never made me feel like the pesky baby sister (that was my brother's job!). we shared a room (bless her heart) until she left after graduation. i used to wake up when she would come to bed and she'd share her pretzel sticks with me (no wonder i had so many cavities!). we got pregnant together…our boys are eight weeks apart; our daughters six weeks. though i moved to tennessee when i began college, we've always managed to see each other frequently, our kids being the motiviation. after years of infertility, my brother and his wife had a son six months after the girls. having all the grandkids close in age cemented our relationship. the three of us get together at least once a year, but not always all three of us at the same time.
i feel like i'm rambling.
my oldest brother was married before i took my first steps. i was an aunt by the time i was five. he and his family lived in the chicago area… not terribly far from our childhood home… but it may as well have been…we saw little of him and his family.
my oldest brother and i are related by blood… not by shared experiences. his recollections of life growing up are so different from mine… it's like we had two different sets of parents. we aren't strangers, but we're certainly not tight.
it's complicated, really.
and within hours of my return, those strange family dynamics that make it difficult to go back reared up and  bit my outstretched hand.
i am looking for a way to interact that is engaging and loving. trying to swallow disappointment and hurt and be a peacekeeper.
trying to tread carefully.
but i feel like i'm walking through a mine field blindfolded.

busy as bees…

today is my last day in town before leaving to go visit my family in wisconsin. tons of work still to do, wanted to do some sewing for bama girl before she gets home from the beach {which happens while i'm away}, need to spruce up the house a bit {dust bunnies so big you can saddle and ride 'em}, make bama girls bed {nice fresh linens to come home too… yeah, she's spoiled, but i don't get much momming to do these days so i take what i can!}, and still need to pack.

i have so much planned for my time away. i'm going alone because the hubs is so covered up with work {as am i, but have laptop, will work on the road… booooooo} he can't get away, bama girl is at the beach, and boy wonder has to work. my nephew just graduated from high school, so i thought it would be a good excuse to go back and see the family.

i don't make it back much… not as much as i should, anyway.

i could go into a long analysis why, but i think the short answer is that it's a painful place to be.

i lost my mom ten years ago, and i traveled back and forth about six times over the eight months she was ill. my mom made it as fun as a person could who was dying of cancer… she never spent one minute dying, though. she sucked the life out of every single day and never wanted to be a downer to be around. it's just that it's not the same going back… i miss her more when i go. not so much when i'm here.

i still miss my mom.

i'll only be gone six days… and i sure hope that while i'm away all of our tomatoes don't turn red. i've waited all ding-dang summer long. this has been a tremendous season of patience. goodness gracious, they've been in the ground since tax day. what the heck is taking so long???

not that the dogs are waiting, mind you. three little dachshunds… all with tastebuds that lean toward green tomatoes… and they don't even need to be fried.
fresh off the vine will do just fine…
hope there are some left.

and we got our first zucchini last nite. just in time to throw on the grill for dinner.
mmmm. i love me some summer veggies!

PINT: controversy-style

warning.

i'm on a slight rant. 

after reading a bunch of tweets from mckmama, i felt the need to vent… but i'm doing it on a post it, because of course, it's PINT, brought to you by:

supahmommy.

go visit her, check out what she has going on. while you're there, leave a comment. {for that matter, leave one here, too. comments make my heart sing, in this self-indulgent needy kind of way}

every tuesday, supah hosts a fun meme… your world on a post it note. wanna play? it's simple. go here, make your posts its (directions are right there, and if i can do it anyone can!), and add your name to the list.

i know opinions are hard to swallow sometimes. but they're just that. opinions. dialogue is good. silence is what is dangerous. 

don't mean to step on any toes… and chances are some of you won't agree. i'm taking a bold move stepping out here politically… but these are serious times. as a small business owner, i've seen policies enacted that are not encouraging folks to get in/do business. there's a huge waiting game out there to see how bad new policies will crush our businesses. it's a catch 22. businesses can't get loans, or they're waiting to see how things shake out and aren't hiring. it's a super negative climate out there. higher taxes and more regulations just don't seem like the answer to me… and this logic just has me scratching my head. 

see what you think after you see this video. 

sans camera

the camera gods have not been smiling at me lately.
i took a cool (well, actually, it was blistering hot, but whatever) bike ride with the hubster on saturday. kids were both out of town (and would have faked an amputation to get out of going along) so as soon as we finished our emails, etc. we were off. at high noon. yay on the steaming overhead sunshine. but the trail was often shady, and it was gloriously pretty.
i would show you, but the camera… while the batteries were checked and in fine working order before we left… was missing the sd card. yeah. go figure. it's not like i take that thing out… like… ever. whatever. i probably would have wrecked my bike anyway. but still. there were fun things to remember along the way.
sigh.
on to our 4th of july picnic yesterday evening. our friends live on 26 acres. cows. hay bails. lake. dogs. sunflowers. new barn. patriotic bunting. kick a*s fireworks. no flipping camera. my SIL called as we were assembling our treasures we were bringing to share. the hubs was all afluster about serving bowls, get in the car, blah blah blah. i was trying to have a conversation with his sister about serious spiritual matters/family breakthroughs and was trying to give her my attention. i got in the dang car and we drove away (and massacred the american flag cupcakesen route… but that's another story). about the time i hung up the phone, i realized i left my camera home. grrrrr.
guess i'll just have to go back and visit again with my camera in tow.
sigh.
on a side note, while i don't have a visual odyssey of my shenanigans this weekend, i was fully present. something that's hard to do when you're always behind the lens. so i focused on being engaged. intentional. and fully present. i tend to hide behind my camera and sometimes feel awkward shooting candid shots which end up not being so candid because i carry a big a*s camera much of the time.
learning to balance here. and learn. grow. engage.

lazy, hazy summer days

we began our holiday a bit early with a birthday celebration for bama girl on thursday. we had offered up the idea to go to her favorite restaurant with a few of her friends, but she decided that she'd rather go to taste of thai for lunch and have a cookout/wiffle ball game at our house instead.

the boys have been MIA for weeks… it's been hot as hades in the tropics here and many of the boys are counselors at a nearby adventure camp and are whipped by the time they get off at 4. if it's not a pool, oftentimes they're in a cool room giving their thumbs a work-out on a video game. 

we couldn't have asked for a more perfect day. the sun was out in a cloudless sky, the humidity was next to nothing, and there was a delightful breeze. it was heaven in july… we don't get days like this in the summer too often!

the boys played wiffle ball while we got dinner ready… and then the hubs went to play too. i was busy grilling away, so sorry, no photos from the event. and sometimes, it can be awkward always being "that mom" who whips out her camera at every turn… even us moms cave to peer pressure.

it was a fun evening capped off by a fireworks show in the street. even our neighbors enjoy having all these cars and the whoops and hollers of these games. they really love it and miss them when they're not around.

we don't have many plans for the weekend other than going to a friends farm for a cookout and massive fireworks event on the water. it's our doing… and pretty fun. just hope that the men can be safe. the fourth of july homemade fireworks extravaganza always makes me a tiny bit jittery.

bama girl left for the beach this morning and boy wonder went to atlanta for the braves game last night and is in chattanooga the rest of the weekend visiting friends and seeing his girlfriend. he's got the week off from work and so does his girlfriend, so they'll probably head up to gatlinburg to see meeka and pops (the hubster's parents) and chill out in the mountains and maybe do a day at dollywood.

©AELTC / T.Lovelock

we watched a little breakfast at wimbledon today and watched serena williams kick a little tennis booty in about 66 minutes. she was on fire, yet didn't seem to break a sweat. what a dynasty those williams sisters are.

after the hubs finishes checking his email, we're off to ride bikes. maybe i'll take my camera. the little point and shoot number. i don't feel like lugging my big camera on a hot day. this way i won't have to wear a backpack. no plans for the rest of the day… i really need to clean and should get busy sewing for bama girl, but we'll see. what's a lazy summer day if i'm going, going, going, anyway!!?

night and day

just finished reading a book. i say "just" like it wasn't that long since i started it.
wrong.
i should have said
FINALLY!! 
I FINALLY FINISHED THAT DANG BOOK!!
took me longer than six weeks. and i'm a fast reader. well, not evelyn wood, but i'm no slouch.

are you the type of person, that no matter how much you don't like a book, you won't put it down and move on?
i am.
don't know what it is… but i ain't no quitter.
so i slogged through it and it's over.
sad thing… i loved her three previous books.
HATED this one. well, hated is a strong word. how about had a major aversion?
it was the kind of book that would put you to sleep… as opposed to keeping you up as you furiously tried to read so you could see what would happen next. or see what someone would say…
it was the kind of book that meandered and odd characters would reappear and you'd have to go back and see if you could find that person in a previous chapter so you could figure out who the heck it was and why they were important to the story. i hate that.
the kind of book that has subject matter contrary to your moral fiber… but it's not revealed until well over halfway through the book. grrrr.

but it's over now, and i can move on. {which i could have done weeks ago if i didn't have not a quitter issues.}

on to brighter pastures.

…like heaven in a hardcover…
characters i like.
a story line i can follow… a little intrigue… flashbacks that make sense, for goodness sakes.
two pages in and i cared about the main character.
i want to stop doing meaningful things {like working} so i can read.

nora…
thank you. you're like a drink of cool water after six weeks in the desert.

surprise!

i blogged about this last year, and if you weren't a fan then and missed it (well that's sort of cocky of me to think that i have "fans") please go back and read. it sums up bamagirl pretty well (and the pictures are delicious).

my baby is 19 today. she was a surprise in more ways than one, and we couldn't be more blessed as parents.

unlike many of my friends… i don't have a list of things she's doing now… like "says da-dah" or screams every time her brother begins walking in her direction…

actually, there is a list i could make…

i can't believe it's been nineteen years already since you entered this world. i remember you arrived (after some ridiculous pitocin-laced natural labor) so quiet and curious… looking around wondering why the heck was it so bright and cold??
you were such an easy baby. we used to call you our poseable barbie. wherever we set you, you'd be happy until we moved you someplace else.
you slept like a champ. for hours… heaven for a momma, let me tell you!
and now… you still sleep like a champ. and you're kinda like a hibernating bear that's been disturbed from its sleep when you wake up… takes you a few minutes to shake the sleepies off yourself (something you do with a sneeze or two. funny how you do that every morning. it's how i know you're up).
you've sailed through your freshman year of college with flying colors.

you pledged a sorority and learned how to juggle your time between work and play. smooooth.
you have managed your finances this past year better than i could have dreamed. (yay!)

you've made amazing new friends… one in particular… who has captivated your heart…

you've learned the alabama fight song. sigh. as a volunteer alum, this has been a bitter pill to swallow, but it's better than doing the gator chop. seriously, i'd have to disown you if that ever happened.
you study as if your very life depends on it, and this attitude has netted you some rockin' good grades. seriously… what freshman goes to a huge SEC school and makes grades like these? (thanks for not being a chip off the ole block here)

you're kind and considerate, you are an encourager and love to be with your new "sisters."
you're still a ridiculous planner. (again, not hardly a clone of me…) you had your housing settled for this school year back in september. at least six months ahead of schedule. (notsomuch, your brother… ha!)
you're surviving being back at home after a year on your own, and while i'm sure this has been a difficult endeavor, you've weathered this pretty well.
you're still learning how to "use your words" when you're upset or disappointed, but frankly, so am i, and i'm glad that we can work together to be more effective communicators.
i love how you're open and honest (sometimes brutally so… and i'm afraid here is where you take after my quick tongue… my bad) and i pretty much know what you're thinking. you're real and authentic, and that's such a rare quality in today's day.

i'm desperately proud of all you've accomplished… but always want you to know how desperately much you are loved despite anything you say or do. you're driven and determined and intensely loved. how i want you to know how much we adore and cherish you as a person, a daughter, a woman after God's heart, a princess in His Kingdom. May He guide your every step as you seek to follow Him.