heavy heart

it's been a while since i posted. or visited. i've been a little M.I.A. some really awesome things going on, then some not-so-awesome.
i was really hoping to come back and post some scrumdilliumptious photos of our new store that opened up on monday (i will do that, i promise) and i had a really promising meeting for the new business that is percolating with my partners. the rain has (somewhat) stopped, i think i lost 2 pounds, and i won a ridiculously amazing giveaway at mckmama. i mean could life get any better?
really.
but then the unthinkable.
i got word that a friend found her son this week. hanging in his bedroom.
my little mind is reeling trying to think how tragic it would be to have that little video replaying in my mind for the rest of my life.
and it makes me want to gather my little chicks close to me and remind them how much i love them and that no matter what the problem is that we can work together and get through it.
both of my offspring are enmeshed in their first relationships. ever. and i hope that they won't have to have the kind of heartache my friend's son must have experienced to take his own life.
he knew Jesus (thank you, Lord), and he had a great relationship with his parents. but he let the enemy's whispers drown out rational thought.
a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
oh how this mother's heart grieves with my friend and her husband.
how this mother's heart aches for the young people affected. the brothers. the girlfriend who had just broken up with him. her friends. his friends. her parents. grandparents. the fallout from suicide is like a nuclear blast. the radiation stays in the soil. stays. in. the. soil.
this is where i have to really dig deep. and try to wrap my small mind around what to do.

“give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus” 1 Thessalonians 5:18

give thanks.
in all circumstances.
this is God's will.

He is already at work in this situation. thank you, Jesus.
the young man was a believer. thank you Jesus.
the parents are strong believers and have a vast network of believers supporting them. thank you Jesus!!
my children are healthy and loved. thank you thank you Jesus.
and the students left standing are noticing Him. thank you, Jesus.

give thanks.
in all circumstances.
this is God's will.

not that children commit suicide.
but that He is our comfort. our rock. our redeemer. our shelter in the storm.
that we recognize His provisions. that we still trust Him.

i have to ponder this in my very heavy heart.

raining and growing.

this is normally a dry month where i come from, so all this rain is pretty unexpected. it's pouring. it's rained pretty much most of this month.

i was sharing about rain with a little girl who should be out jumping in puddles, but is fighting for her life instead. that ugly beast. cancer.

as much as i like to grumble about the rain, i need to remember what a blessing it is. it's necessary for growth. and after several days of rain, isn't it gloriously wonderful to see the sun? and without rain, would we ever witness a rainbow?

God is as much in the rain as he is in the sun. in fact, i would argue, even moreso. because we take sunshine for granted. but it's in the rain where we cling to our savior.

how hard to process rain in a young child's life. it doesn't seem right. but i know God has a plan. and he's going to use the rain to grow this family in ways unimaginable.

as much as i want every day to be cloud-free and blazing sun, i would become parched and withered.

rain.

washing clean.

living water.

fill me up.

cling, regan. we are praying for you.

nope, that couldn't be me!

it's hit or miss around here as far as hooking up with my favorite blogger, mckmama, and deciding whether or not i have any viable fodder for her not me monday blog carnival. i've got some stuff that i would never admit to doing, as i'm sure you don't as well… you can head over there and link up with all the others avoiding true confessions…
i would never take a work break only to write a blog post. i mean if my boss could see me now, he would more than likely have a problem with that. even though i sleep with my boss on a very regular basis (relax, i work for the hubster), it gets me nowhere. in fact, it probably gets me more accountability than i'm really interested in. but i digress…
the kiddies were in town this weekend for fall break. i would never count the minutes until bama girl arrived. that would be weird, and for a woman buried under a mountain of work, a rather lame use of my time! i didn't drop everything when she arrived and didn't spend more time than i should have looking at all her new tshirts from her sorority and patiently wait for her stories. it seems like long talks with her have been more rare in the last year, so i didn't just drop everything like a hot potato to just be with her.
we also didn't make plans for a family dinner for 9:30 on friday nite. i mean who eats that late? and who has to make a date with their own children two weeks in advance?? and our plans weren't ambushed at all by the six guests that arrived, slightly rain-soaked from the high school football game that was cancelled because of lightning, and ended up staying for dinner. we didn't rush to the freezer to grab more stuff to grill and didn't throw the rest of the bag of potaotes in the oven… that would mean the $200 i spent on groceries (for three people in our household) was not ridiculous. the stocking up didn't turn out to be a pretty wise investment at all and we avoided a quick trip to the krogers!
we didn't end up laughing and talking and enjoying the fellowship of our kids' friends in the least and weren't the least bit sorry that our quiet evening with the family ended up a rowdy night of remember whens and unbridled laughter. i didn't catch the hubster stealing a wink to me to say how much he had missed these important beings in our lives, and i didn't tear up once!! and i didn't dab my napkin at my eyes instead of the corner of my mouth one time…
i did not grumble in the least when my kids made me put my camera away. and they did not give me the "we don't want to be the next photo on your blog." sigh. so busted.
we didn't have a great weekend in the rain with our kids.
and it didn't make me at all want to start an advent calendar for thanksgiving, the next time we'll all be together again.

disappearing act

i haven't disappeared. i'm just snowed under by work with our new store opening up in a week. i must focus and support the family. . . for such a time as this. on a crazy schedule right now, but soon it will all be under control.

the world continues to rotate without my blogging, much to my narcissistic dismay.

i miss you, friends, but will be back soon.

until then, i send you greetings from the bottom of a huge pile of work!

silence

noise. there's so much of it. and distractions are something i struggle with. i'm contemplating silence, and i invite you to as well.

stay tuned. . .

His mosaic

it's early this morning, as sleep has eluded me after a dream.

i'm not much into dream interpretation, but i wonder sometimes, that i may be more concerned for the future than i should be. when life seems so uncertain. . .our economy, rogue nations with nuclear capabilities, flu epidemics, business uncertainties, college loans, friends with sick children, hunger in the world. . . and on and on it goes.

i awoke with my heart pounding and i layed there for awhile trying to sort out my heart.

i was reminded about worry (and really, i'm not worried, but i'd be lying if i said i wasn't concerned) and what God has to say about that. look at the lilies of the field. look how beautiful they are. if God is going to make them so beautiful and care for them, won't he do so much more for you? (i'm paraphrasing here, so bear with me)

what about if your child has a rare genetic condition and his skin is riddled with blisters and sores and the skin just falls off? or if your child has had an accident and lies in a hospital bed unresponsive and on a respirator? what about those little lilies in the field?

it's so hard to wrap my simple little finite brain around the utter vastness of our Lord.

His ways are so not my ways. . . and i don't question His ways for a moment. i only struggle with my processing abilities.

in a world that seems more upside-down than right-side up, i tried to find a word picture that i could understand.

i thought of mosaic.

tiny pieces of something that was once whole, but now arranged into something new. . . and beautiful. and if i look at that one piece of broken something, i might spend too much time mourning what once was. . . over the beauty lost. the functionality of that something lost.

it's a reminder to focus on the bigger picture. on being repurposed. of new beauty out of brokenness. on the potter's hand who continues to mold and create.

as you can tell, i'm still processing the visions my Father has given me, and if it's nothing more than a reminder to look to Him for meaning, for purpose, for encouragement, for strength. . . then i think He has given me more than i could have hoped for at five am this morning.

because i awoke with a spirit of fear and worry, and he's given me a glimpse of His glory.

freedom to be

so today, the hubster and i decided to take a day on our vacation and just be. is it okay, when you've traveled hours and hours to spend the day inside when the weather is glorious to catch up on rest. . . on work (yes, i know, we are on vacation, but when you own your own business, sadly work is never far away) . . . on editing photos and posting them on facebook?

i hope it's okay, because we just did.

i don't want it to feel like we frittered away a day in paradise, but isn't paradise wherever you are when you're at peace and just being??

i sure hope so, because that is exactly what we're doing.

being.

ahhhhhh.