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Tuesday, May 12, 2009

undeniably indescrible and uncomprehendable

sometimes, well, honestly, most of the time, i have a hard time figuring out the "whys" of life. i could make a list a mile long.

and in my head i remember my mom saying, "ours is not to wonder why. ours is just to do or die." i think that was her way of shutting us up when we were asking why we had to weed around the house or shovel the driveway or other such banal activities we were forced to do as children.

but when it comes to things like a friend who goes through genetic gymnastics to get pregnant, and then has three beautiful children... how it is that she gets ovarian cancer when her baby is 18 months old and her oldest in kindergarten, and then dies three years later? kinda makes me scratch my head and ponder the mechanics a bit.

or a one-pound miracle baby who fights like crazy for her life for 11 months and just when you think she's on the homestretch of procedures and surgeries and is maybe, just maybe going to be able to go home... ends up mysteriously brain dead and slips away?

i'm having a hard time wrapping my arms around that one.

i'm not questioning God, or His wisdom, or His sovereignty. not for a minute. i know God's ways are not my ways, and my brain is too small to even fathom His purposes.

i know God is up to something. and i know He's used the freeman family so incredibly much throughout little kayleigh's eleven month life. but to bring her all this way only to have it end up like this?? 

i'm shaking my head. i guess i'll just have to rest in knowing that God is in control. and one of these days, when i get to heaven, i'm going to ask Him to show me all that He accomplished through this all too short life (He's already accomplished so much through her in 11 months. her impact on this world has been incredible. i don't mean to diminish His or her impact one iota). i have absolutely no doubt that God is up to something huge here, and knowing the freemans like i do (after spending many hours and days reading their blog, if that can be considered "knowing"), i have no doubt that their grieving and future journey will be nothing other than God-honoring. God will get (is getting) all the glory, but our hearts are aching, and that ever pesky question just lingers on my lips.

why, Lord?

don't take this as disrespect, Lord. i just hunger to understand. 


  1. I'm right there with you, and I know that someday this will all make sense. Hugs and God bless.

  2. I have a few questions of my own. I picture myself sitting at Jesus' feet and asking, "now why did THIS have to happen?" and, "what was the reason for THAT?" So, my brain is too small to comprehend it as well. And I mean no disrespect either. Sometimes it's tough not wonder why.

  3. I have several questions of my own, but after following MckMama and Stellan's journey for more than a year now, I just have stand in awe that God is indeed in control.

    Beautiful post...and very thoughtful too.

  4. I am beyond trying to understand


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