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Sunday, July 19, 2009

joy in failuredom

i'm not perfect. i don't even pretend to be. at least on the inside. i know exactly how black and murky this heart of mine is, but i'm afraid this isn't always what shows on the outside (not the black and murky part, but the fact that i know it's like that).

i'm working at my flaws, but am impatiently wanting instant results. 

patience is not one of my gifts, and frankly this isn't one of those areas in my life i'm even wanting to tackle right about now. i want to press the minute button, hear the quiet hum of the mechanism at work and hear the beep beep beep that it's done. open the door and out comes the new improved me.

the one who doesn't wear her heart on her sleeve.

the one who isn't intent on telling everyone how much she knows.

the one who isn't looking for validation in a laugh.

the one who isn't self-seeking or prideful.

the one whose feelings don't get hurt easily.

the one who isn't easily irritated.

the one who doesn't claim joy just hoping if she says it enough it will permeate her being.

the one who isn't a hypocritical sham.

but seriously, i'm okay with that. not of being flawed, a true failure, but in the fact that my God is a God of redemption. i'm in pretty good company in the failure category. really, jonah was a failure at one point, as was moses. i'm certainly not putting myself in those ranks, but it is good to know that God is persuing my heart and is making me new.

God doesn't fit in a box any more than he fits in a microwave, and sadly this transformation business is not going to be wrapped up in any ole minute.

patience. gah! i guess i'll have to work on that, too.

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