consider it pure ummmm joy hipocracy

i hate it when i am not quite feeling the joy.

i hate that my life is a tad bit melodrama.

i hate that i struggle to be real. like who really cares/or even reads, but then that sounds so fishy for compliments, and i'm not like that. really.

i was writing in my journal today as i was waiting for wonderboy to get out of surgery. since i didn't want to bring my laptop, i went old-school and used pen and paper.

it happened to be the journal i began to keep when my dad died and shortly thereafter, my mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer. somewhere in the middle of that i set it down, life happened, and i forgot about it.

the art of writing where pretty much no one will see. and no one comments. and if someone does see it, hopefully i'll be long gone.

so why is it so hard for me to lay it out here. to not feel like i have to candycoat my life just because i'm supposed to be striving to maintain the right perspective in all situations. . .

crap.

basically, i don't feel so much like striving right now. there's not alot of joy in my heart, but that's a lie, because i'm still counting blessings like crazy, but i am just a little lost and empty.

my daughter, our last child at home, left for college on saturday. this is a tough one, mostly because she's chosen to go out of state, and the loans have been completely ellusive and the 2/3 academic schoalarship just ain't gonna cut it and we still have a significant shortfall and have been turned down for several loans (oh the joy of owning your own business). short of a magic bag of loot falling on our doorstep, there's a pretty good chance we'll have to have her come home after christmas. and she's worked so hard. it just kills me. it's not enough to be a really driven honors student. not enough at all. so if anyone knows of an alabama alum with a big bag of loot sitting around collecting dust, let me know. i'll be the lady on my knees asking God how this is going to shake out. trust, trust, trust.

while away moving in bamagirl, wonder boy stayed behind to be with his friends as they rallied around a friend whose dad was killed in a car wreck on thursday night. many of them went out on the lake on saturday, and wonderboy went too. on the last run tubing, he fell off, leaving his finger wrapped around the tow bar. this would be why i was in the waiting room at the hospital today journaling.

the surgery went well (thank you american health care that allows us to have "elective" surgery so quickly after an accident!!) but also got the news that the pins they used to put wonderboy back together have to come back out in 4 weeks. another surgery. not a big deal if we didn't have a $5000 deductible. which we do. i better get some knee pads. i might be here for awhile.

couple this with raw emotions from leaving our daughter in another state (who is more than ready to be on her own and is making it quite clear that having a mother right now is not on her list of important things) and feeling the sting of all that, and really hurting for our friend who lost her dad (i was her small group leader for seven years), and now wondering how in the heck we're going to pay her tuition, plus wonderboy's tuition, and a monsterous medical bill. . .

trust, trust, trust.

empty nest wasn't such a big deal to me. i'm really okay with her being gone. i just wasn't prepared for being so easily dismissed. we did raise her to be independent. i guess we did a better job than i thought.

so yeah, trust. i really do trust. and i know God is sovereign. and i know He has us here for a reason. i know all these things in my head, but knowing this still doesn't keep me from waking up in the middle of the night wondering how. how are we going to do this?

and knowing that our problems pale in comparison to people facing life threatening diseases, or children who are forever impared. i have SO much to be thankful for. really i do. and i am thankful. i'm trying to turn my worries into prayers. but it's really quiet out there.

this is a huge ramble. . .

and maybe i can put some sugar on this tomorrow. but for tonite? well, this is my journal post in my book. and i'm going to try to forget that i just splayed my life out there. whatintheworld??