journeys. take two.

the day dawned with mixed skies with blustery winds. the mountains are spectacular in just about any kind of weather, and today we were treated to the smoky variety (aka smoky mountains). leaves were falling in droves with the gusts of wind and several of the students were having a contest to see who could catch the most (an entertaining activity to watch). as we were standing outside of the lodge where we had our morning devotions, the Lord blessed me with a reminder of his promise.

the sun was behind the mountain which made such a beautiful shadow on the ridge. the clouds were moving overhead so rapidly that the landscape in the sky was changing so quickly that it was like watching a movie. a snapshot would be a visual reminder of that time even though it would fail miserably at capturing the beauty of the moment.

after yesterday's sharing time, the students were invited to make observations of what they had seen. to try to put a word or phrase to what they noticed about the speakers.

needy. self conscious. wreckless. angst-filled. hopeless. cocky. worldly. lost. lonely. confused. unchurched. broken. angry. bitter. apathetic.

you name it. it was out there.

journeys part two was more sharing from a high schooler's point of view. afterwards, the students were invited to ask questions, and the speakers would answer like we would have as if we were still in high school.

i was third to share. yikes. my heart is pounding. focus.

"welcome to milwaukee. moved again.

but unlike our last move, this one was right in the middle of spring break and i entered into school being the only new kid. frightening and exhilarating all at the same time. and no one knew me as the medical freakshow girl anymore, so it was kinda strange when people treated me like i was normal.

believe it or not, but the popular kids liked me and wanted to hang out with me.

me? popular? are you kidding me??

dave, this incredibly gorgeous specimen of a senior started talking to me and it wasn't long before we were "going out."

ummm. i'm going out with a guy. who thinks i'm pretty. a guy thinks i'm pretty??

two friends have warned me about watching out for dave. huh? what could possibly be wrong with dave? he noticed me and wants to be with me. what the heck could possibly be wrong with that?? i really don't care what they say. i have a boyfriend.

graduation night, and i'm at a party with my friends, and dave is there. after a while, he asks me to go for a walk. we stop at a nearby golf course, and we sit on a hill overlooking the course. there's a little makey outy, and before long, it's getting out of hand. i'm NOT that kind of girl i think, and i try to push him away. this only seems to spur him on and the next thing i know, i'm pinned underneath him. i'm struggling now, and panicking, but nothing is working. this is NOT how i expected i would lose my virginity. with a hand clamped over my mouth and searing pain.

i don't remember how i got back to that party, but i did, and my friends drove me home. i didn't say a word.

i never wanted to give dave the satisfaction of knowing how much he hurt me, so i pretended nothing happened. thankfully, i didn't have to see him in school, and soon he was away to college.

the only person i told was my sister, who is 9 years older and lived a thousand miles away. who else would believe me? and i could never tell my mom. she always protected me. it would kill her to know she couldn't keep me safe.

i was wounded. and empty. and stuffing my emotions down so no one, not even i, could see."

more tomorrow.