journeys. part one.

sleep was illusive the night before we left for camp. i ended up just getting up at about 3 and worked on a few projects, watched my dvr'd greys anatomy and thought about my upcoming weekend at doe river gorge.

i knew it was the enemy that woke me… telling me all the things i'm too willing to believe.

i also know that Jesus squashed down the feelings of defeat. i know in my heart of hearts this is what i'm called to do… i just don't have the confidence sometimes that my story has eternal value.

we arrived to camp to a pleasantly crisp fall evening. almost a full moon occasionally obscured by wickedly fast-moving clouds. so beautiful and so impossible to capture. for me, it was a welcome distraction as we waited to go into the the tent for our first meeting.

i was so nervous about speaking and how to tell my story.

six of us leaders were going to be journeying with our high school friends throughout the weekend. the first two sessions we would be speaking as if we were in high school. the last two would be as we began to notice Christ and then our lives since, and up to the present.

i had some pretty gritty things to share and i realized that i have not really completely healed as i have done a good job of continuing to stuff issues down so i don't have to feel the pain.

unstuffing my life scared me. although i couldn't really put my finger on the fear. what exactly was i afraid of?

other than public speaking. yikes. i'd rather eat a live spider.

okay, that was a lie. but not far off of the fear and trembling of addressing high schoolers!

get a grip. okay. first meeting. . .

all of us are in the gathering. as our song (a song each of us had previously chosen to reflect our journey) played, we emerged from the crowd and went up front and each shared for about 3 minutes. porcelain heart by the barlow girls begins to play… my turn.

"just moved. again. freshman year and i'm the new girl. not like that is bad enough, but after just three months in school, i disappear for two months and come back in a body cast. i'm fourteen years old, i have no friends, and now i look like a medical freak. i can feel the stares, and i'm sick with anxiety. and since i had to learn how to walk again, i have trouble with tripping. falling in class… with an armload of books… i learn to laugh at myself. making jokes about my situation helps. i'd rather laugh at myself before people can laugh at me.

ohmystars, could life get any more humiliating?"

to be continued…