light the fire

sometime in the middle of college i decided that i would rather create than heal. i'm sure that my authority issues had more to do with that decision than an overwhelming desire to paint and draw and communicate, but for whatever reason, my life took a dramatic turn (not sure if it was left or right, perhaps more of a 180… who knows?) from nursing to graphic design, and this is how i got to where i am today.
for someone who struggles with needing approval, perhaps a career in the visual arts was not the smartest avenue… a designer's work is constantly critiqued (oftentimes by ones self) and is never right and/or finished. and from my first job as an assistant art director at a publishing company to now, i've often felt that i'm a poser. that i don't really have the talent… it's just been a series of being in the right position to be where i am today. (not that where i am today is all that magnificent, really). in short, i've often felt like a talentless hack.
sooooo not fishing for compliments here. not my intention whatsoever.
{actually, i really don't know where i'm going with this, but there is a point around here somewhere.}
after working in publishing for five years, the company ceased to exist. it was a great ride while it was around and i learned so much and worked with some of the most talented creative people in the business. after the company's crash and burn, there was a glut of designers in this po-dunk town, and the thought of vying for jobs in such a competitive climate paralyzed me, so i elected to sell collateral products for kinko's.  whatever couldn't be produced in-house would be my expertise. i did so well in my new department that i was offered a position in outside sales. i failed miserably. as much as i love to sell, knocking on doors and making cold calls proved not to be my forté, and i left the company after two years.
behind the scenes, our family business had been plugging along for almost ten years and it was at this point that the brothers decided that they could finally afford a full-time designer/marketing director (which i had been doing gratis since the business began) and i have been working for them/us ever since.

twenty-seven years of looking at petro's. making chili & chips look good. showcasing our iced tea.
to say that i've grown weary of doing the same things for a quarter of a century is putting it mildly.
i took a leap of faith this week and made a phone call about a new job. it ended up not panning out, but a new venture was presented to me and it was like the Lord poked his finger into my soul and stirred up the embers of a passion that i didn't even know existed.
He has ignited a fire in my heart that i'm so excited about, but it's going to have to wait until at least april before it can happen. and it may not even happen, but just the thought of the possibility has me awakened and renewed.
heck. i even want to make petro's look good again.

light the fire

in my soul

fan the flame

make me whole

Lord you know

where i've been…

so light the fire in my heart again.

thank you Lord, for new beginnings. for passion… for the things you treasure, Lord.