i've taken to not wearing mascara anymore.
i've gone from dark and twisty to okay, to getting sucked down into the vortex. i'm paralyzed to what normally would bring me deep joy.
i find myself contracting into the shape of a fetus.
my kidneys are located directly behind my eyeballs. i didn't know tears could shoot out at a 90° angle from my face, but apparently they do. i'm glad i wear eyeglasses now. it protects those i come in contact with.
i'm wrestling in a big way. and i don't want to emerge completely crippled after all this is over.
i spoke to a friend yesterday and she said she wrestled with God and her issue of validation and security for 18 months.
this merger. the demands. there are so many other issues i can't even put them into words. the isolation. the hunger. the apathy. the desert. the flood. the emptiness.
i think this is even beyond a calgon moment.
making an appointment tomorrow.
and i say all this not because i am looking for sympathy. or empathy. or anything really. i'm needy, but i'm not weird that way.
i have invested in this e-world. and i may not be able to make deposits for awhile. here or anywhere else. will i have to start over from scratch? you know, that whole outta sight outta mind? it's human nature, i know.
do i have the courage to write about this journey? do i have to try to fake it because i'm striving to be thankful and joyous in all circumstances? what does being dark and twisty have to do with joy anyways?
do i have the ability to be real in a way that won't alienate the few followers i have? am i willing to be transparent that way and what's the purpose behind that anyway? why is it that i blog anyway? do i need to get a waterproof keyboard?
i'm really not a very good swimmer. i always said i have enough skill so that i won't drown. but now…
i'm not so sure.