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Sunday, February 28, 2010


i've taken to not wearing mascara anymore.
i've gone from dark and twisty to okay, to getting sucked down into the vortex. i'm paralyzed to what normally would bring me deep joy.
i find myself contracting into the shape of a fetus.
my kidneys are located directly behind my eyeballs. i didn't know tears could shoot out at a 90° angle from my face, but apparently they do. i'm glad i wear eyeglasses now. it protects those i come in contact with.

i'm wrestling in a big way. and i don't want to emerge completely crippled after all this is over.

i spoke to a friend yesterday and she said she wrestled with God and her issue of validation and security for 18 months.

this merger. the demands. there are so many other issues i can't even put them into words. the isolation. the hunger. the apathy. the desert. the flood. the emptiness.


i think this is even beyond a calgon moment.

making an appointment tomorrow.

and i say all this not because i am looking for sympathy. or empathy. or anything really. i'm needy, but i'm not weird that way.

i have invested in this e-world. and i may not be able to make deposits for awhile. here or anywhere else. will i have to start over from scratch? you know, that whole outta sight outta mind? it's human nature, i know.

do i have the courage to write about this journey? do i have to try to fake it because i'm striving to be thankful and joyous in all circumstances? what does being dark and twisty have to do with joy anyways?

do i have the ability to be real in a way that won't alienate the few followers i have? am i willing to be transparent that way and what's the purpose behind that anyway? why is it that i blog anyway? do i need to get a waterproof keyboard?

i'm really not a very good swimmer. i always said i have enough skill so that i won't drown. but now…
i'm not so sure.


  1. no one can be 100% happy 100% of the time. we all go through tough times and I cannot speak for everyone, but I personally am greatful for all the support and love that my readers give me when im feeling down or need some support that i may or may not get irl. This blog is yours to talk about whatever you want, a way to express yourself.. if you cant be real on your own personal space and express yourself the way you see fit whats the point in having it ya know what I mean? I hope you get to feeling better.

  2. Joy was described to me as simply knowing of Jesus'love and sacrifice for us even under the harshest of our own circumstances.

    Why would you fake anything, the joy is still there, yes? It's okay to admit to hurting.

    I despise the image of what I call shiny happy Christians. We are people, and just because we know Him, it doesn't mean He protects us from Earthly pain.

  3. We all go through times like these. I appreciate your honesty and hope you can work whatever out that is bothering you.

  4. You may be "out of sight" for a while, but I think you are "DYNO-MITE!" in a JJ from Goodtimes sort of way. You are a precious child of God and I am so glad to have you as a friend, even though we have not met in real life. The undertow stinks. Thanks for being real here. Whether you decide to share a little or a lot, we are here! xo

  5. Praying for you sweet friend. I've struggled w/ the Lord before, maybe not in the same way, but it's not easy. Years of uncertainty for me, constantly questioning...


  6. Some 70s references...

    Do you remember Garp? His kids called it the "undertoad."

    When I pray for Vicki, I talk to God and imagine I'm lifting her up like Kunta Kinte's father did with him in "Roots." Do you remember? The other day, I laughed with God (I like to do that sometimes), as I lifted so many of my friends up--picturing them all in a sphere over my head. I'm not sure if I was Charles Atlas, a USSR weightlifter at the 76 Summer Olympics, or Kunta Kinte's father, but you were part of that. I was holding you up with all the strength of a prayer, and He was smiling down on us all.

  7. I would encourage you to listen to Switchfoot's song "24"... alot of your post reminds me of the lyrics and Ive been there and that song spoke to me, I hope it does you to

    "life is not what I thought it was 24 hours ago"
    "I wrestled the angel for more than a name"

    praying for you

  8. If you need to put BlogLand on hold, we will understand. But I encourage you to let your real self out and I know you will find plenty of support.

    I have been reluctant to post certain things lately, but the kindness of strangers (including you!!) has been so overwhelming and heart warming.

    I hope you are okay.

  9. "am i willing to be transparent that way and what's the purpose behind that anyway?"

    Gosh, if I had a dime for the number of times I've wondered that!!!

    I did something this summer while going through a dark & twisty (love that) time. I opened up a Word document on my computer and started typing to God. Every gritty detail. Not for ANYONE'S eyes but His and mine.

    And it slowly turned into our own personal Bible study. I open in one tab, and have my word document in another and I start typing and going through scripture and conversing with Him that way.

    Getting the thoughts out was the key. Not having to write was nice, typing is easier. And knowing no one would see these things was paramount. Me and God. I open a new document each day I do this, and save them by the date.

    My relationship with Him has grown like never before. Not going through the motions of an already written Bible study book has been awesome - it's God leading me through His word. And sometimes it's just me writing to God. He usually solves that day's issue by the time I'm finished typing. Ha!

    Tell Him everything. He'll work on it with you. ;)


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