first step

step one toward healing is a pretty big step, i would say.

just stopping and taking some time to look inside and get out of auto-pilot is a huge step. 

refusing to slap a happy bandaid over it while cheerfully exclaiming, "i'm good. fine, really. it's all good." 

like if i keep repeating this enough times, maybe i'll begin to believe it.

denial is a funny thing. i've had a pretty good time there. my main activity has been stuffing emotions down so that i don't have to really feel. 

i've come to the realization that stuffing is not healthy. it resulted in a huge emotional vomit, which is not such a bad thing. 

but i'm still covered in vomit.  and unlike the times i really do, physically, get sick, now that i've gotten that all out of my system,  i don't feel "all better." 

nor do i want to. i'm not ready. 

i need to deal with this and clean it up and get healthy.

my mind is like a shattered piece of pottery. there are so many pieces and i know where they go, and i am aware of all of the issues… i know every last one. but it's like i can't figure out how to put it all back together. i have all the materials. i have the skills. but i need to take this rebuilding thing slow…

step one.

i'm broken. (it's the admission part that is a huge step for me)

i don't know how to reassemble.

but that is a-okay, because i have a loving, awesome Father that knows exactly where each piece goes, and we're going to work together to make me whole.

i've got time.