step one toward healing is a pretty big step, i would say.
just stopping and taking some time to look inside and get out of auto-pilot is a huge step.
refusing to slap a happy bandaid over it while cheerfully exclaiming, "i'm good. fine, really. it's all good."
like if i keep repeating this enough times, maybe i'll begin to believe it.
denial is a funny thing. i've had a pretty good time there. my main activity has been stuffing emotions down so that i don't have to really feel.
i've come to the realization that stuffing is not healthy. it resulted in a huge emotional vomit, which is not such a bad thing.
but i'm still covered in vomit. and unlike the times i really do, physically, get sick, now that i've gotten that all out of my system, i don't feel "all better."
nor do i want to. i'm not ready.
i need to deal with this and clean it up and get healthy.
my mind is like a shattered piece of pottery. there are so many pieces and i know where they go, and i am aware of all of the issues… i know every last one. but it's like i can't figure out how to put it all back together. i have all the materials. i have the skills. but i need to take this rebuilding thing slow…
i'm broken. (it's the admission part that is a huge step for me)
i don't know how to reassemble.
but that is a-okay, because i have a loving, awesome Father that knows exactly where each piece goes, and we're going to work together to make me whole.
i've got time.