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Monday, March 1, 2010

first step

step one toward healing is a pretty big step, i would say.

just stopping and taking some time to look inside and get out of auto-pilot is a huge step. 

refusing to slap a happy bandaid over it while cheerfully exclaiming, "i'm good. fine, really. it's all good." 

like if i keep repeating this enough times, maybe i'll begin to believe it.

denial is a funny thing. i've had a pretty good time there. my main activity has been stuffing emotions down so that i don't have to really feel. 

i've come to the realization that stuffing is not healthy. it resulted in a huge emotional vomit, which is not such a bad thing. 

but i'm still covered in vomit.  and unlike the times i really do, physically, get sick, now that i've gotten that all out of my system,  i don't feel "all better." 

nor do i want to. i'm not ready. 

i need to deal with this and clean it up and get healthy.

my mind is like a shattered piece of pottery. there are so many pieces and i know where they go, and i am aware of all of the issues… i know every last one. but it's like i can't figure out how to put it all back together. i have all the materials. i have the skills. but i need to take this rebuilding thing slow…

step one.

i'm broken. (it's the admission part that is a huge step for me)

i don't know how to reassemble.

but that is a-okay, because i have a loving, awesome Father that knows exactly where each piece goes, and we're going to work together to make me whole.

i've got time.


  1. yes you do! hugs to you tonight.

    i am a stuffer and am passing it along to my kids. so not the healthy way to go.

    quote from ortberg's new book, "god doesn't want to exchange you. he wants to redeem you."

    you are special!

  2. Hugs.

    I used to stuff things in, but a combination of being married to John and moving to Germany fixed that. When Germans ask how you are, you respond truthfully, and they expect that of you. It's not uncommon for a German to answer the question with something like "Not so good. I am tired and want to go home." John has also gotten me to use the phrase "It hurts my feelings when..." or "It makes me sad when..." etc. It has helped me a lot. I don't knnow if those same things would be as helpful for you, but I figured it can't hurt. Sorry for the unsolicited advice, though.

    But, if you need anything - a semi-anonymous person to correspond with, or something else, let me know.

  3. I'm so sorry. I'll keep you in my prayers. And I love Sarah's comment so I second what she said!


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