i've been wandering in the desert for some time, now. i was wandering there and didn't even realize it. like many people, i had perfected the art of acting, without really knowing that i was on stage.
i'm a christian. i have Jesus. he is my joy, my all in all. he is my everything. i am the bride of Christ and he satisfies me.
therefore, i am not needy. i have no disappointments. life is good…
i'm a Christian. i'm supposed to have it all together. if i show vulnerability, i'm not a picture of what it looks like to be his child.
i have Jesus and a Bible. what the heck else should i need?
and this, my friends, is the struggle.
does that make me a sham? a poser? a failure at "being Christian?"
i think it makes me human.
now don't get me wrong. it's not like i've got this thing figured out. not by a longshot. it's messy and confusing and my puzzle pieces have been strewn from the box into a haphazard pile across the floor. as inclined i am to stiff-arm anyone from helping to clean up my mess (because i'm strong… i'm a survivor… i can handle it, thanyouverymuch), i've at least surrendered to the idea that i cannot do this on my own.
those who know me are sending up victory cries over that small step.
my counselor gave me a verse as she listened to the beginning of my story. she patted my hand as i reached for a tissue (about 1.8 seconds into it) and waited for me to pause…
girl, you are in the desert. (uhhh, y'think?)
two months ago, i would not have agreed, but i was already there and didn't even know it.
"he leads her into the desert so he can speak tenderly to her heart…"hosea 2:14
i'm in the desert.
up until this point, i didn't even realize i was thirsty. or hot. or exhausted. or paralyzed by the notion of being in a wilderness with no provisions and the hopelessness that that can inspire.
it's not like i was ready to slit my wrists or jump off a bridge… it was much more subtle than that. this desert wandering that i was doing was so shrouded in busyness, that i didn't even realize that i had wandered off the path and was on my way to a barren wasteland of brokenness.
i'm sorry. was that overly dramatic?
all this to say is i've made the first step. i not only recognized that i'm broken (but in a good way) and that i am unable to put myself back together on my own, but that i've been brought to the desert for a purpose…
He wants to speak tenderly to my heart (and he's already doing that). he's leading me through this wilderness straight through to the promised land. i'm going from the shouldda/oughttas to i want to, because this is God's will for me.
there's more… so much more.
for now, i'm resting right here under this palm tree to let this little bit soak in.