the office. only this office ain't so funny.

for me, i can look inside and see the flaws.
oftentimes, i just choose not to look.
not because i'm not interested in being a better person. it's not like i'm the kind of person who says, "well, that's the way i am. get over it. take me as i am." it's ridiculous to think that i'm perfect.
but…
if i lived each day focused on my shortcomings, i'm afraid i wouldn't be able to emerge from the safety of my own bed.
usually i can manage this little dance between self-reflection and living.
but not so much, lately.

our family business has been struggling for several years. we've been in business since 1985, and overall, it's supported three families pretty well. not great, but not too badly. we have what we need, without too many frills. we've focused these past 20 years on balancing work and family, and have chosen to be family-centered rather than ruthlessly reaching for that brass ring while leaving our family fractured and weak.
because of those choices, we have two children who first and foremost, love Jesus. they're both thriving in college, experiencing their first tastes of dating and deep relationship building, serving others on their campuses and engaging intentionally. they too, are far from perfect, but our goal through their growing up years was to be available and plugged into their world, and it seems like this was a wise time investment for us.
it's not that having a focus on child-rearing and investing in our community kept us from growing our business—the economy and the inability to internally finance our company's growth really stymied our expansion efforts.
hindsight being 20/20 as they say, there are a million things we would have done differently (like have a board of directors), but today, as we remain standing in one of the most devastating economies in recent history, we can only be thankful to still be in business.
in january, we merged with a company that brings a huge amount of expertise in franchising and expansion. they have some pretty lofty goals (700 stores by 2020—gulp) and to say they are grabbing us by the hair and swinging us on to the fast track is an understatement.
to go from a family-owned, make-your-own-decisions kind of company to a completely new/different corporate structure has been, well, overwhelming. i went from part-time to over-time instantly. (thank goodness my nest is empty)
our corporate office merged into theirs, and so that all moved to atlanta, and the hubster moved his operation into our downstairs bedroom, now his office, or as i call it, the mancave. so now we both work at home.
but we don't see each other. he works non-stop (or is on the phone non-stop) and i am working much longer hours, and when we're not both working, we are eating meals together and talking about work. at breakfast. everywhere. i can't escape it. this is my new world.
in defense of the hubs, there have been YEARS of pressure on his shoulders. the weight of every associate of our company and all the financial pressures have weighed on him, interrupting his sleep, invading his thoughts, ruling his life. understandably, he is giddy with delight at our new venture and possibilites.
the problem is… i don't really share that delight. i'm holding back. i'm cautious. i'm wary of the new partners. i'm jealous of this new venture and how it's robbing me of the life i used to have. i'm incapable of looking to the future and seeing that this could be really positive for us. there's a ton more of "i'm…" but this is getting long, and today's therapy session is coming to a close.

i've an appointment with my counselor next week, and hopefully can begin a process of gluing my broken self back together. i could do it myself, but i think it would be better if i had a little help.
so thanks for journeying with me on this little messy ride.
if only our office was as great as this one… alas, not right now.